I had just turned nine when the Disney Channel show Austin & Ally first aired. At that time, I was an avid fan of TV channels like Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and of course Disney.
Each channel had good and bad shows, but all of them dabbled in sitcoms. Shows such as the aforementioned Austin & Ally, Good Luck Charlie, Big Time Rush, and others similar to those were constantly on my TV. I didn’t realize at the time, but these shows were negatively affecting me.
TV was one of the main sources of entertainment at an age where I was easily impressionable. Of course, I wanted to be as cool as Austin from Austin & Ally or be in a band like those on Big Time Rush, because TV made me believe that was the ideal boy. However, I didn’t look like any of the actors in these shows.
These actors were all white with straight hair and brown eyes. The only actor I can remember that somewhat resembled me was Cameron Boyce as Luke from Jessie. Other than that, there was no one I could physically relate to. This left me feeling insecure for a lot of my childhood. I would have friends in school that looked like those from the TV shows and I would be jealous of them. When I would get out of the shower, I would always brush my hair down, hoping it would dry and remain straight. Looking back, I’m embarrassed at myself for wanting to look like anyone but me. However, I am gentle with myself, understanding that small biracial kid didn’t know any better.
As I got older, I gained access to new forms of media and expanded my worldview. Through social media and educating myself on what it means to be Black, I slowly learned to love my features. I learned how important it is to recognize your blackness first no matter what, because in our society you will always be labeled Black first. I learned to take pride in not looking like the majority in a society that places minorities lower on the social ladder. I have green eyes and curly hair that I learned how to take care of and maintain. I’m lucky to have features that require nurturing. I’m lucky to wake up with “bed head”. I’m lucky to have facial hair that’s brown, blonde, and orange.
I grew up ashamed because what I saw on TV and around me made me believe that’s how I should look to be liked. Now in my early 20’s, I look back at Austin & Ally, thrilled that I look nothing like Austin. Because I am not Austin nor do I need to look like Austin to be secure in myself. I am ME. My character and soul will always speak louder than my appearance, but it’s nice to finally appreciate the man in the mirror.